Safeword

A safeword (or safe word) is a word, phrase, hand motion, or other signal that is used to communicate a person's boundaries during a scene. Nonverbal safewords may also be known as safe signs or safe signals. During a scene, a submissive may want to be able to verbally or physically resist while having their resistance ignored (a form of consensual non-consent). Safewords provide a clear signal that the submissive actually wants or needs to slow down or stop the scene.

Some experienced kink practitioners decide not to use safewords, considering them unnecessary. In a long-term relationship, for example, the dominant partner may know their submissive well and always stop before they would need a safeword. However, playing without a safeword is always considered to be extra risky edge play. What if the submissive feels the symptoms of a heart attack while in gagged in bondage and has no way of indicating that they need to stop immediately for medical attention? Having a safeword system in place, even if only to be used for medical emergencies, is a simple, effective way to reduce harm in unlikely worst-case scenarios.

Without explicit pre-scene negotiation, verbal or physical resistance (including "no", "stop", "hold on", shaking the head, and pulling away) must be respected as valid ways to revoke consent. Their partner(s) must pause the scene to re-affirm consent (e.g. confirm whether "no means no" in this scene, and ask them if and how they want to continue), or stop the scene immediately. Continuing after consent is revoked makes the scene non-consensual, and possibly sexual assault or rape.

Residual risks

• The dominant might accidentally miss the safeword.
• The dominant might intentionally ignore the safeword (a consent violation).

• A submissive may hesitate to use the safeword for fear of disappointing their partner, forget the safeword, or might even feel physically unable to form words.

• Safewords can give the dominant a false sense of security: "they didn't use the safeword, so I figured everything was okay".

In 2014 survey from the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom, 13.1% of 4,503 kink practitioners reported that their pre-negotiated safeword or safesign was violated during a BDSM scene or relationship.

Pre-scene negotiation

Before a scene, participants should agree on one or more safewords and what should happen if they're used (or else agree that normal communication will be respected).

Traffic light system

One of the most commonly used set of safewords is the "traffic light" or "stoplight" system. Most commonly:

• Red: "STOP", "I'm done", or "Untie me now"
• Yellow: "Slow down", "I'm reaching my limit", "I need a break", or "Check in with me"
• Green: "I'm good", "Keep going", or "Give me more"

Many variations of the traffic light system exist. Some people use Black or Blue to indicate a medical stop requiring emergency services. For other people, Blue can instead mean "Give me more". Agreeing on the traffic light system with no further discussion risks the participants misunderstanding one another during the scene. This risk can be mitigated by listing each color before the scene and agreeing upon their meaning.

Choosing safewords

A safeword must be clear, simple, and easy to remember. Other commonly used safewords include fruits (e.g. "pineapple" or "banana"), "safeword", "mercy", or a participant's legal name.

A dungeon or other communal play space may have officially mandated safewords, so that the dungeon monitor or others nearby can know when a safeword is invoked and, if necessary, intervene.

Nonverbal safe signs and signals

• Three rapid taps, squeezes, or grunts
• Dropping a ball or set of keys
• Shining a flashlight

During the scene

If the submissive appears to be in distress but has not called the safeword, their partner can prompt them. For example:

• "What's your color?"
• "The safeword is XXX if you need it."
• "Out of scene - are you okay?"

The alarm method

The alarm method refers to a repetitive and forceful use of the safeword ("red, red, red, red, red") to create an unmistakable alert. Repetition reduces the risk that the safeword is accidentally missed and makes it more difficult for someone to claim that they didn't hear or recognize the safeword. In a communal playspace, a repeated safeword (particularly a commonly used safeword like "red") can also draw the attention of other people who can help.

Responding to a "hard stop" safeword

Unless otherwise negotiated, a "hard stop" safeword (e.g. "red" in the traffic light system) calls for an immediate end to play and start of aftercare.

• Do not question whether the safeword "should have" been used.
• Do not try to continue the scene with re-negotiation ("what if we just ...").

Using a safeword often indicates that a physical, emotional, psychological, or moral boundary was crossed, and the submissive may require special attention compared to a "normal" scene ending. If your partner uses a safeword:

• Acknowledge the safeword was used and inform them that the scene is ending.
• Ask them how they're feeling and what they need most in that moment.
• Free them from bondage, gags, blindfolds, and other restrictions as soon as possible.
• Perform first aid, if necessary.
• Continue to aftercare, as negotiated before the scene and needed by the participants.

If all participants agree, a new scene can be negotiated.

The submissive may feel embarrassed or disappointed for stopping the scene. Reassure them that they did the right thing by respecting and communicating their limits. Never punish a submissive for using a safeword, even if it's a false alarm or moment of panic.

When all participants are ready, discuss what aspect(s) of the scene caused them to use their safeword, and how future scenes can be adjusted to try to stay within their boundaries.