Safeword

A safeword is a word, phrase, hand motion, or other signal that is used to communicate a person's boundaries during a scene. Nonverbal safewords may also be known as safe signs. During a scene, a submissive may want to be able to verbally or physically resist while having their resistance ignored (consensual non-consent). Safewords provide a clear signal that the submissive actually wants or needs to slow down or stop the scene.

Without explicit pre-scene negotiation, verbal or physical resistance (including "no", "stop", "hold on", shaking the head, and pulling away) must be respected as valid ways to revoke consent. Their partner(s) must pause the scene to re-affirm consent (e.g. ask the submissive if and how they want to continue), or stop the scene immediately. Continuing after consent is revoked makes the scene non-consensual, and possibly sexual assault or rape.

Some kink practitioners decide not to use safewords, considering them unnecessary. In a long-term relationship, for example, the dominant partner may know their submissive's body be skilled at stopping before the submissive partner would need to invoke a safeword. However, playing without a safeword is always considered to be risky edge play. What if the submissive feels the symptoms of a heart attack while in gagged in bondage and has no way of indicating that they need to stop immediately for medical attention? A safeword system, even if unused for years, is a simple, effective way to reduce harm in unlikely worst-case scenarios.

Pre-scene negotiation

Before a scene, participants should agree on one or more safewords and what should happen if they're used (or else agree that normal communication will be respected).

A dungeon or play party may choose to have officially mandated safewords, so that the dungeon master and other participants can know when a safeword is invoked and, if necessary, intervene.

Common safewords

One of the most commonly used set of safewords is the "stoplight" or "traffic light" system:

• Red: "Stop immediately"
• Yellow: "Slow down", "I'm reaching my limit", or "Check in with me"
• Green: "I'm good", "Keep going", or "Give me more"

Other commonly used safewords include fruits (e.g. "pineapple", "banana") and "safeword".

Nonverbal safe signs

• Three rapid taps, squeezes, or grunts
• Dropping a ball or set of keys
• Shining a flashlight

Responding to a "stop" safeword

Unless otherwise negotiated, a "stop" safeword (e.g. "red" in the stoplight system) calls for an immediate end to play. Do not try to re-negotiate the terms of the scene ("what if we just ..."). Using a safeword indicates that a physical, emotional, or moral boundary was crossed, and the submissive may require special attention compared to a "normal" scene ending.

• Acknowledge the safeword was used and confirm the scene is ending.
• Ask the submissive how they're feeling and what they need in that moment.
• Free them from bondage, gags, blindfolds, and other restrictions as soon as possible.
• Perform first aid, if necessary.
• Perform aftercare, as negotiated before the scene.
• If all participants agree, a new scene can be negotiated.

The submissive may feel embarrassed or disappointed for stopping the scene. Reassure them that they did the right thing by respecting and communicating their limits. When the submissive is ready, discuss what aspect(s) of the scene caused them to use their safeword, and how future scenes can be adjusted to try to stay within their boundaries.

Limitations of safewords

• The dominant might miss the safeword.
• The dominant might intentionally ignore the safeword (a consent violation).

• A submissive deep in headspace may hesitate to use the safeword for fear of disappointing their partner, forget the safeword, or might even feel physically unable to form words.

• Safewords can give the dominant a false sense of security: "they didn't use the safeword, so I figured everything was ok".