Safeword

A safeword is a word, phrase, hand motion, or other signal that is used to communicate a person's boundaries during a scene. Nonverbal safewords may also be known as safe signs. During a scene, a submissive may want to be able to verbally or physically resist while having their resistance ignored (a form of consensual non-consent). Safewords provide a clear signal that the submissive actually wants or needs to slow down or stop the scene.

Some kink practitioners decide not to use safewords, considering them unnecessary. In a long-term relationship, for example, the dominant partner may know their submissive well and always stop before they would need a safeword. However, playing without a safeword is always considered to be risky edge play. What if the submissive feels the symptoms of a heart attack while in gagged in bondage and has no way of indicating that they need to stop immediately for medical attention? Having a safeword system in place, even if unused for years, is a simple, effective way to reduce harm in unlikely worst-case scenarios.

Without explicit pre-scene negotiation, verbal or physical resistance (including "no", "stop", "hold on", shaking the head, and pulling away) must be respected as valid ways to revoke consent. Their partner(s) must pause the scene to re-affirm consent (e.g. ask the submissive if and how they want to continue), or stop the scene immediately. Continuing after consent is revoked makes the scene non-consensual, and possibly sexual assault or rape.

Residual risks

• The dominant might miss the safeword.
• The dominant might intentionally ignore the safeword (a consent violation).

• A submissive may hesitate to use the safeword for fear of disappointing their partner, forget the safeword, or might even feel physically unable to form words.

• Safewords can give the dominant a false sense of security: "they didn't use the safeword, so I figured everything was okay".

Pre-scene negotiation

Before a scene, participants should agree on one or more safewords and what should happen if they're used (or else agree that normal communication will be respected).

Traffic light system

One of the most commonly used set of safewords is the "traffic light" or "stoplight" system. Most commonly:

• Red: "STOP", "I'm done", or "Untie me now"
• Yellow: "Slow down", "I'm reaching my limit", "I need a break", or "Check in with me"
• Green: "I'm good", "Keep going", or "Give me more"

Many variations of the traffic light system exist. Some people use Black or Blue to indicate a medical stop requiring emergency services. For other people, Blue can instead mean "Give me more". Agreeing on the traffic light system with no further discussion risks the participants misunderstanding one another during the scene. This risk can be mitigated by listing each color before the scene and agreeing upon their meaning.

Choosing safewords

A safeword must be clear, simple, and easy to remember. Other commonly used safewords include fruits (e.g. "pineapple" or "banana"), "safeword", "mercy", or a participant's legal name.

A dungeon or other communal play space may have officially mandated safewords, so that the dungeon master and other participants can know when a safeword is invoked and, if necessary, intervene.

Nonverbal safe signs

• Three rapid taps, squeezes, or grunts
• Dropping a ball or set of keys
• Shining a flashlight

During the scene

If the submissive appears to be in distress but has not called the safeword, their partner can prompt them. For example:

• "What's your color?"
• "The safeword is XXX if you need it."
• "Out of scene - are you okay?"

Responding to a "hard stop" safeword

Unless otherwise negotiated, a "hard stop" safeword (e.g. "red" in the traffic light system) calls for an immediate end to play and start of aftercare. Do not try to re-negotiate the terms of the scene ("what if we just ..."). Using a safeword indicates that a physical, emotional, psychological, or moral boundary was crossed, and the submissive may require special attention compared to a "normal" scene ending.

The dominant partner should:

• Acknowledge the safeword was used and inform them that the scene is ending.
• Ask the submissive how they're feeling and what they need most in that moment.
• Free them from bondage, gags, blindfolds, and other restrictions as soon as possible.
• Perform first aid, if necessary.
• Perform aftercare, as negotiated before the scene and needed by the participants.

If all participants agree, a new scene can be negotiated.

The submissive may feel embarrassed or disappointed for stopping the scene. Reassure them that they did the right thing by respecting and communicating their limits. Never punish a submissive for using a safeword, even if it's a false alarm or moment of panic.

When all participants are ready, discuss what aspect(s) of the scene caused them to use their safeword, and how future scenes can be adjusted to try to stay within their boundaries.